Best way to top ten search returns for your website

Say you have a website like the one shown here.
You would of course want to be found by potential customers.
How can you achieve this goal in this 1-window environment?

• Easy, just find a way to be returned amongst the top ten search results in Google, Yahoo and a few business directories.
• Easy i say?!?!

How to surely get your site into the top ten search results in the most widely used Search Engine(s)

1. Hire between 100 and 1000 (or more) employees!
2. No more then about 5 employees per country you have business interests at!
3. Get all these employees to do nothing but clicking around your web site all day and night long in all these countries, they must rotate from their own pc's to friends pc's or any publically accessible pc's.
4. Make sure you can arrange at least every month once a big press conference in each of the countries that will ensure your sites URL is mentioned on TV as well as in numerous print publications.
5. Print endless amounts of business cards and let every emploee have them handing around to about anyone who has functional hands.

That is indeed already all it takes, as i said, easy as 1 2 3!

But wait, i hear you claiming stuff like "to costly", "unrealistic".
Well, go tell the Goo's and Yah's, see if they care, it's a not their business, they just classify websites that way, how you get it there does not concern them in the least!

The above will probably sound like a bad joke to most readers but this is exactly the way the internet, the www is rotating towards, if you don't get traffic to your site you don't get a high enough ranking.
Kind of like the young University student that has some great degrees in this or that and then starts reading the job offers that all say "5 years experience required"!
It does not look like there is a way out of this rat race anymore, commercialism has hit the net for good, the small web site owner - well, we're so sorry folks, buy link popularity here or there, do this or that, go bankrupt overspending for that top rank place on the biz sun.